I’m terrified. I’m terrified that something else is going to go wrong, and that my plans of finishing law school will once again be derailed. Logical? Absolutely not. Real for me? So very real.
As I sit here and write this, I should be doing my homework. I really want to decorate for Christmas, spend time with my family, watch Hulu…really do anything other than study. Sadly, I don’t have that luxury right now. Finals are fast approaching, and anyone who knows a law student knows that they get a little bit loopy around finals. This semester is especially tough for me. Every time I begin to study, there is a little voice in the back of my head whispering, “why are you doing this? You aren’t going to be able to finish law school anyways. You aren’t smart enough. You aren’t good enough.”
December 8th marks two years since I was hit for the second time in four months. It marks a day when I thought all of my dreams, everything I had worked so hard for, was lost forever. I didn’t have a Christmas break that year. I spent my break making up my finals. My mom typed all of my finals, which took me about eight hours each to complete. I had to take so many breaks. I was in so much pain. Finals during my first year of law school were my own personal hell. I finished, but I had to fight so hard in order to do so. Some say this sort of thing builds character. All it did to me was break me down. That year took something from me…something I’m fighting hard to get back.
Notre Dame has provided me with a new beginning – a second chance at something that I thought was gone forever. This week is a big week for me. Not only does it mark the last full week of classes, but it also marks the end of a personal fight that I have been battling for almost two years. It’s time to move on. It’s time to let go. It’s time to realize that things will get better; nothing bad is going to happen again, I will graduate, and I can do this. I am smart enough. I am good enough. I am going to finish this.
So far, Notre Dame has surpassed my wildest dreams. Even on the worst of days, I just thank God for giving me such an incredible opportunity. It’s amazing how when you focus on the good, the bad doesn’t seem so terrible. I have met some incredible people who have helped me realize that I am stronger than I thought I was. My family has stepped up in ways that constantly amaze me. I was offered an amazing job for next summer, and everything is coming together. Finally. Life is good.
I only share all of this because I think sometimes sharing my own feelings of fear; doubt and inadequacy not only help me, but may just help someone else as well. Life isn’t always easy, but it’s a whole lot better when you can share both the good times and the bad with those around you. THANK YOU to everyone who has helped me get to where I am. Thank you to those who have been so incredibly kind and supportive. Thank you Jesus for everything you are doing in my life. The ride hasn’t been easy, but I know you have big plans for my life!
Back to studying! XO